I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.