beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.