Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
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My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.