I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
this is 10/10 content no notes
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?