Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.