I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
some Old Testament wisdom