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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess