I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
how much does a mortician urn in a year
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
all that yoga finally paid off
you will never know the true number of layers
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.