Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
When someone trying to leave me
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
we’re gonna need another temp
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood