Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
You Might Also Like
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Money is the root of all wealth
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?