getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.