Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
You Might Also Like
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.