There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
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My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Never forget.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter