My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw