My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
You Might Also Like
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
These are too funny not to post 😂