I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Best spot.. 😅
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
*serious situation*
My brain: