I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.