If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like