professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
these two trucks have the same bed length
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”