I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
AM I BEING GASLIT????
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Best mom ever 😂
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.