Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!