my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
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You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*