4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”