[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.