Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.