everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes