80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
You Might Also Like
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*