People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
everyone has that one prude friend
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles