I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
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*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.