tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you