“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.