[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”