I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
moms in horror movies
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!