Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.