Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
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SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go