Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.