“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
what the
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?