EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
You Might Also Like
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Don’t snitch tag.
ok like just. call me at this point
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.