“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
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Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.