BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
You Might Also Like
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I identify as an antique shop.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Cause of death: Zumba
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.