ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.