How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Simple
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?