[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
You Might Also Like
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.