“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
they really do be looking like this
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June