HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher