Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
liiiiiiiiike
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.