Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
me irl
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him