Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
britain’s three elite institutions
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife