Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.