My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.